So I’ve had some time for retrospection and feel a need to ramble some.
I’m fully aware that to publicly accuse someone can have severe consequences. I didn’t really think those consequences through, but in hindsight, I feel I can forgive myself this slip of impulsiveness (I want to write ‘impulsivity’, and although Wikipedia says I’m right, Firefox says I’m wrong).
I know I some times make jokes to make things seem lighter and less serious – partly for others’ sakes, as it’s never nice having your wall/inbox filled with negativity, but it’s also partly for me. When something hits me really hard, I can’t just grieve, or get mad, a part of me has to keep it within and that’s the part that jokes, so that no one knows exactly how I feel.
The anger I have at this man goes beyond words. I’m angry because he lied, I’m angry because he lied to me for so long, but most of all I’m angry because he hurt an entirely innocent animal. Yes, the abuse wasn’t beating her, or kicking her, but was neglectful abuse – to me that makes it no less cruel.
I’m also aware of my part in this. Regardless of what the end result was, I shouldn’t have left her with someone else. I should have stayed in SA, instead of dropping everything and going traveling. Leaving Nibbles and Shadow was probably the hardest part of my traveling (as you can explain when you’ll be back to humans), but remorse doesn’t justify actions.
I know I’m facing criticism (unsaid, but definitely implied) in leaving my cats, firstly, in publicly accusing him, secondly, and in ‘replacing’ Shadow with the Guns.
I hope those that know me, know me well enough to know that nothing could replace Shadow and that I would never attempt to ‘replace’ any animal. The Guns were acquired because they needed me and, perhaps in part, because I needed them. Both the Guns and Shadow are (perhaps was, in the latter case, which breaks my heart) very sociable and, should I have gotten Shadow back, I would have had to get her company regardless, so the aim was to have three cats in total.
My dreams last night showed me just how much this has affected me. I went to bed early, because my pc had decided to join forces with my conscience and wouldn’t let me play the episode I was hoping would help me forget my woes….thus, my guilt took hold.
In hindsight, the dream was humorous, but shortly after midnight (at which stage I’m usually not yet asleep), I woke sweating and grabbing for the Guns. I had dreamt that Eric Northman (vampire from True Blood, who has only ever seemed delicious rather than dangerous to me) owned the Guns and had kept them for his ill-will. I set out to rescue them from some interminably clichéd abandoned barn and got quite far, after several attempts and almost run-ins with ‘bad guys.’ Eventually, I got the Guns in the car, locked up and started the car…only to find picturesque Eric sitting next to me, gun in hand (literal gun, not a kitten), which is when I woke up.
It sounds stupid, as most dreams are, but I woke realising that I’m not doing a bad job protecting and raising the Guns. They’re as healthy as anything according to the vet and, as I type, they’re climbing all over me and the back of my chair (we both have the scratches to prove it).
I’ve never been one who has the courage of my convictions. In fact, I rarely ever believe that what I’m doing is right, although I know I almost always try to do the right thing, it often backfires, or I screw up. The problem with having an unlimited supply of anger, is that when it’s coupled with a cruel and blaming conscience, it becomes a right nag.
So after all my actions yesterday, I was left wondering. Did I do right? The answer is, not with the Facebook post. I shouldn’t have posted, I know that, but in hindsight I’m not going to beat myself up about it. That was my revenge, perhaps immature, perhaps silly, but it was my slight way at getting back at him. I needed him to know I know. That I’m aware that he’s been lying to me for so long.
However, my revenge is now done and what I need to do now is the right thing for others. This isn’t about me any more. As any abuser (towards humans or animals) he must be stopped and I will do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn’t hurt any animal again.This afternoon, I’ll be meeting with the police to see what they advise I do. They will know the right authorities to report animal cruelty to and they’ll tell me whether it will be worth it to charge him with theft.
To those that have supported me and/or given me brilliant advice, thank you so much. I’m not sure I would have the courage of my convictions this time if it weren’t for you.
For those that criticise, it’s cool, I was an ass. I’ll take the brunt of your criticism.
*As per normal, if I can’t think of a title, I use the song in my head. With the Eric Northman thing, it’s no surprise this was the song playing.