Now, I’ve seen a few Search Term related posts, but I have to say, the last one was a killer: “Once you go black you become a single mom.”
I’ve been wanting to do one for awhile, but most of my search terms have been pretty obvious, i.e. Mammoth, Cat Blog (Seriously, am I that sad? Perhaps) and nostrils (ugh).
However, this week somehow spewed a collection of…well…disturbing results.
1. Jacques Van Dyk
The top result I have of all time is people searching for the guy that harmed and neglected my cat. This probably means it’s him and his fellow folks trying to suss out what I’m saying about him. Not that I haven’t stated it out loud and told him to his Face (Okay…add a ‘book’ to the end of the word, as I haven’t any idea where his literal face is).
2. Drunken mammoths
Seriously? Dude… I get the mammoth bit, maybe you wanted a pretty picture for a school report on those hairy ancestors of yours, but drunken?
3. Pretty Broken Heart
This officially pisses me off. I’ve not really written about a broken heart – except for the aforementioned cat saga.
Thank you spider-bot type things for assuming my metaphorically broken heart is pretty, but can we not send pathetic saps my way?
Dear pathetic saps, my heart is broken over a cat. Not a silly little man.
4. Bad Hearing
F*ck you spider-bots. How did you know my hearing was bad?
5. Seven Orifices
Hahaha, okay, I know where this comes from, but it still tickles me pink.
6. Kittens with Guns
Oh honey, go get yourself a blow up doll and get a life…
7. Just One Stocking
This is kinda weird for me. Yes, I wrote about Just One Stocking, but why on earth is someone looking for just one stocking. I’m looking for someone to send me just one stocking, but I’m pretty sure …
Oh wait, disability. There goes not-politically-correct me again. Apologies to the one legged woman with gun-totting cats.
Shit, there I go again. I assumed woman…I could definitely be wrong. Politically correctness insists I include man, trannie and cross-dresser in my assumption. 🙂
8. Proper Grammar Cat
Yeah, honey, you won’t find one of those anywhere on the internet. I assume you’re looking for the funny cat pictures? Right?
They don’t talk proper like, like us 😉
9. Cat Eating Funny
Is it physically impossible for us to enter grammatically correct search terms? Or do the aforementioned pictures denote that anything connected to cats should sound like it was written by a 3 year-old coke head?
10. Rent a Father Christmas Benoni
To you, all I can say is please, for the love of God, follow the instructions in No. 6.
I must run. Axl just brought me a decoration from the Christmas tree and Slash is dashing around the house with tinsel…nope, rephrase he’s now drinking my leftover wine from last night…